Monday, October 22, 2012

I've MOVED!!!! :D

Don't deny it. We all saw this coming.

As you all know, Blogger tried to break up with me about week ago, and then when I began to look at other options, Blogger got all "Wait. That was a total mistake! Please don't go!"

Well, too bad, Blogger! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice... I saw how you played me, and it sounds like I'm not the first, either!

I thought I knew you, Blogger... I thought I knew you...

Anyway, I officially bought a domain for the blog, and there's a ton of new stuff over there!

So please, go to and start following me there! It's got a beautiful new design and a whole lot of other new stuff!!!

I'm super freaking excited about this.

Thanks for all your support!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Blogger Tried to Break Up With Me!

So, as many of you know, my blog was deleted yesterday. 

Apparently, the Blogger Team thinks that I'm a total spammer. 

Let me walk you through this....

Yesterday, I tried to purchase my domain through Blogger. I was really excited about taking this step and really being able to have full control of my blog. So, there I was, going through the steps in purchasing my domain, la de da de da.... I click "next" and suddenly I get this message: "We found an existing order for this domain. Please contact support."

Yeah, dillholes, it's my order that you found. Who else is buying the domain name for Awkwardly Alive and Pleasantly Peculiar?? Are you... are you cheating on me Blogger? Are you selling my domain name to other people???? 

So I tried all of these tricks and stuff to make Blogger realize that I'm the only one who wants to own that domain name. After nothing was working, and we were both just getting frustrated with one another, I went with the age old approach of walking away for  a little bit and coming back later.

Side note: Did any of you know that Blogger has no customer service via telephone? They just have forums that anyone (or in my case NO ONE) can answer. 

So I went back to my laptop an hour later, and as I logged in to Blogger, this message popped up telling me that I needed to verify my account because they believed it had been tampered with. 


So I go through that. I finally get logged in and AWKWARDLY ALIVE AND PLEASANTLY PECULIAR WAS GONE!!!! I was freaking out. It's like Blogger changed the locks after having given me a key to their apartment. 

I checked my email and found this message: 
Hello, Your blog at has been reviewed and confirmed as in violation of our Terms of Service for: SPAM. In accordance to these terms, we've removed the blog and the URL is no longer accessible. For more information, please review the following resources: Blogger Terms of Service: Blogger Content Policy: -The Blogger Team

Seriously? You think I'm a freaking spammer, Blogger? Don't you know me but at all?? Are you mad that I was trying to buy my domain from you? It's not like I was going to leave you, Blogger, I just wanted a little more control over my stuff! This is a very immature way to react, you know... 

So, I start going through the process of getting my blog restored (while freaking out via Twitter, obviously). I mean, I didn't necessarily want to get back together with Blogger at this point, but I still wanted my stuff, dammit. 

At this point, my good friend over at The Life I Live So You Don't Have To tweeted me and told me that she had been experiencing similar issues when she was with Blogger... So, that's when I started looking at my other options... and some of them seemed pretty nice. 

I also started collecting all of my old posts and saving them to my computer in Word documents so that I could repost them if I did end up leaving Blogger for another host... 

I think that's when Blogger started to panic, but I was too busy at work to deal with it. John Hamm and I went out for a beer when I got out of work and then Dragon, who felt really bad, invited me over to his place for dinner (frozen pizza) and a movie (Cabin In The Woods) to cheer me up. All of those things were very nice and I began to feel a bit better. 

The movie ended, and after having ignored my computer and Blogger for a few hours, I decided to check my email...

Hello, We have received your appeal regarding your blog Upon further review we have determined that your blog was mistakenly marked as a TOS violator by our automated system and, as such, we have reinstated your blog. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused in the meantime and thank you for your patience as we completed our review process. Thank you for understanding. Sincerely, The Blogger Team

Well, Blogger, thank you for returning to me so quickly. I really appreciate it. I'm still not sure I liked that side of you though... I'm going to need time to think.

Don't worry, readers. If I do end up leaving Blogger, you'll know where I go. I would never leave you without notice! 

On a totally separate note, thank you to everyone who clicked on the ads this week. All the money that I get from this blog this week is going to my boss for his foundation to fight against Triple Negative Breast Cancer! I'll be writing the check on Sunday, October 21st, so feel free to keep clicking until then! 

Monday, October 15, 2012

An Evening for the Boobies - and I Met a Clown!

I work a few jobs, one of them being a hostess at a wine bar and restaurant. The owners of this restaurant started a foundation a few years back when they lost a dear friend to Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I didn't really know anything about this form of Breast Cancer, but I found out that it's one of the forms that has no cure and it's one of the hardest to fight. 

To raise money for research, we hosted the first of two dinner parties last night, titled A Night 4 Pink. There's a ton of information here. The evening was full of wine, food, music, and laughter - and at $125 a plate, you know that all of those things were incredible! There was even a woman there doing temporary pink ribbon tattoos for donations! It was awesome! And then to top that off, I freaking found out that this woman was a PROFESSIONAL CLOWN. My night was made. Her clown name is Gumball and you can find her here! 

Can I just say that a clown who fights cancer might be the most badass woman ever? That's like the coolest superhero ever. Graphic novels need to be made. 

Anyway, we're doing the same thing again next week on October 21st from 5-8PM and if you can make a contribution or even make an appearance, we'd love to have you! In fact, if you can't make it, just click on any of the ads on my blog. The ads are how I make a meager amount of money by blogging, but I only make money if you click on them - so every penny I make between today and October 21st, I will donate to Night 4 Pink! Deal? Awesome. 

Thanks to Gumball for the super awesome tattoo! 

Here's to our boobies, ladies! Keep 'em strong!!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My Dog Ate a Candle - I Can't Make This Up, People.

Last night, I got out of work and went home to pick up my dog and laundry before heading over to my parents' house for the week. John Hamm was going to meet me there for a wine and movie night, so I was in kind of a hurry. 

Now, normally, I come home and find Gio snoozing on my bed. Occasionally, though, I'll find a ripped up Taco Bell bag that I forgot to throw away or, for some weird reason, a destroyed pair of my own underwear. 

I never expected to find a candle chewed to bits all over my bed sheets.

That's when John Hamm texted me: Stop and go traffic at

Me: My dog ate a candle and puked it up on my bed.

That's right, readers. It wasn't just a chewed up candle. It was a chewed up and then puked up candle - all over my bed sheets. Why is that always the scene of the crime?!? More importantly, WHAT THE HECK DRIVES A DOG TO EAT A CANDLE?!?!

I did my best to clean it all up in a hurry, shaking the bed sheet out in my yard and then tossing it into the washing machine for me to deal with when I returned a week later. 

I loaded Gio (who, by the way, was wagging his tail and looking happier than ever) into my car and called my vet friend Gumby while I was driving.

Gumby: Hello?

Me: Can my dog die from eating a candle?

Gumby: Can your dog... wait - say that again?

Me: Can my dog die from eating a candle?

Gumby: Oh, Gio.... *sigh* I think he should be fine... I mean... He ate a candle?

Me: Well, he ate it and puked it back up all over my bed. Stop laughing.

Gumby: Sorry. Um, yeah, I think he should be okay. Just keep and eye on him and make sure he drinks water. Oh, Gio...

Me: I know! Then again, I've had nothing to write about for two days now - it seems like every time I have writer's block, my dog does something retarded. 

Gumby: See? He's just trying to help!

So, the good news is, my dog is doing just fine now. The bad news is that I probably have to get rid of most of my candles... and I freaking love candles. 

This is a photo from another night, but I felt that it was appropriate. John Hamm's sister took this, and I love it.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hi! I’m John Hamm, and This Is Not My Blog

John Hamm just sent me this letter to pass on to all of you, which is great because I was just telling another blogger that I can't find anything to write about today. So... thanks, John Hamm! You got me out of that one! Whew!

Without further ado, I present John Hamm:

Hi! I’m John Hamm, and This Is Not My Blog

Greetings, valued readers! I’m John Hamm, and you may know me from other posts here, such as the “Dear Diary: Greg” series, “There Must Be Something in the Water,” and of course, “John Hamm is a Freaking Badass and Will Probably Have to Kill You.” I’m writing this completely unsolicited post to help clear up a misconception that has been making the rounds. While I am one of the most frequent (and, dare I say, hottest) recurring characters on this blog and there may be a large number of you who tune in just to see who my face will be Photoshopped onto next, this is not actually my blog.

This may seem obvious to a lot of people. But here’s a frequent conversation that I have:

Random Acquaintance: Are you going to go write in your blog about this?

Me: Huh?

Random Acquaintance: You know, with all the stuff about the guy in the hat?

Me: Oh. That’s not my blog.

Random Acquaintance: (stares at me).

Me: Seriously, I don’t write most of that stuff. Like, anything more than 140 characters I had nothing to do with.

Random Acquaintance: Whatever.

This happens to Lemon a lot, too. I guess us redheaded nerd girls all look the same to some people.

So, in light of this confusion, I’ve made a short, handy list of questions that you can use in order to tell that this isn’t my blog.

  1. Is it longer than 140 characters? If it is, I probably didn’t write it. I don’t have a great attention span for this kind of thing. In the time it’s taken me to write this post so far, I’ve gotten up to chase my housemate’s cat three times now.
  2. Is this blog updated regularly with content that clearly isn’t half-assed? I actually do have a blog. I haven’t posted to it in over six months now. Or is it closer to a year? Whatever. My point is that I’m lazy when it comes to this kind of thing and I’m very easily distracted by things like video games and reflective objects.
  3. Is the writing littered with foul language? I’ve had to consciously stop myself from excessively swearing in this post. It’s one of my all-time favorite things to do.
  4. Is the writing littered with commas? As in, are you stopping in the middle of reading and thinking, “Damn, girl, it’s not like if you don’t use them you lose them.” If not, there’s a good chance I didn’t write it. You also have probably never thought that about commas, because you’re a sane human being.
  5. Is this blog trying to sound like Kurt Vonnegut, Oscar Wilde, and J.D. Salinger all wrapped up together in a go-getting Jane Austen style package, yet coming up considerably short? Again, if not, then it’s probably not me.

So there you have it. I’m sure this list will settle many a bar room debate, so I’d keep it close at hand just in case. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah, and I seriously didn’t paint Gio’s toenail, so you can stop with all the accusing looks.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Someone Broke Into My Home and Gave My Dog a Pedicure.

Okay, what the hell is going on?

Last night, I came home and saw what I thought was blood on my bed sheets.

Naturally, I freaked out, and started checking my dog. I found what I thought was dried blood on his toe and around his nail, but it was hard to get a good look, seeing as how he hates having his feet touched.

See it? Right there, on the toenail. 

Upon further inspection I found that none of this was blood. It was my purple nail polish.

How the hell did this happen???

John Hamm had been in my apartment that day, so I texted her:

Me: ...did you paint my dog's toenail?

John Hamm: No...Why?

Me: Someone did... Are you lying to me? You were the only one there! And I most certainly did not paint his toenail...

John Hamm: I'm not! I really didn't!

Me: What the f--k. Who the hell broke into my house and painted my dog's toenail?!?

John Hamm: I have no idea. That's weird.

Me: I'M AFRAID!!!!

So then I called Dragon, thinking that maybe he had done it a few days ago and I was possibly just really slow on the uptake...

Me: Did you paint my dog's toenail??

Dragon: ...what?

Me: Someone painted Gio's toenail!!

Dragon: How do you know?

Me: Because he has purple nail polish on his toenail!!

Dragon: How did he get the nail polish?

Me: I highly doubt he painted his own freaking toenail, Dragon. Someone else did it and John Hamm swears it wasn't her.

Dragon: ...I don't understand.

Me: Someone broke into my house and painted my dog's toenail! This is like that one season of Dexter when the serial killer sends the hand with different colored fingernails to the police as a sign. I'm going to get murdered!

Dragon: I did not paint your dog's toenail.

When I went back home to do some investigation, I found that the nail polish bottle was missing. At this point, I started to wonder if maybe Gio had just chewed the cap of my nail polish, causing it to leak... but then why can't I find it? And how is it only on his toenail???

Did you paint my dog's toenail? Are you sending me some sort of murderous message?

I am so not sleeping tonight.

Friday, October 5, 2012

The Formerly Unreleased Dear Diary: Greg's

So, recently John Hamm and I got together and did a spin-off post of "Dear Diary: Greg" about our friend Apollo

How were we supposed to know that Greg would get so upset and jealous?!?

It was like another dog peed on his fire hydrant.

He threatened to end our friendship! 

It was terrifying, Diary....

So, Lemon, John Hamm, and I got together and decided to post some of the unreleased "Dear Diary: Greg" entries to prove our love and devotion. After all, Greg... Apollo was just a one time thing. You're still the main man in our Diary.

So, these are the entries that preceded Greg's vacation a few weeks ago when we gave life to the twitter account for the Diary.

Dear Diary: Greg isn't wearing his hat!!!!! I almost didn't recognize him! What is happening?!?!?!?!

Dear Diary: Total emergency!! Greg is going out of town for two weeks, and he leaves in four days! I...I'm not prepared, Diary...

Dear Diary: What will Greg do without us for two weeks?!

Dear Diary: Is it too late to make a cardboard Greg standup?

Dear Diary: If I gave Greg a picture of me, do you think he would keep it under his hat as a token for his safe return?!

Dear Diary: What if Greg comes back with a different hat? Will I even recognize him? What does that say about him that he'd just replace his hat?

Dear Diary: Will California change Greg? Will he come back with dreadlocks and a bongo drum? What will I do, Diary?

Dear Diary: How expensive is a plane ticket to California? Do you think Greg would mind if I followed him? Even if it's in his best interests?

Dear Diary: What if Greg gets elected governor of California? Stranger things have happened, Diary!!

Dear Diary: Do you think that Greg will dine with Ex-Governator Schwarzenegger? Will my dream come true????

Dear Diary: What if Greg just conquers California by accident? How awkward! 

Dear Diary: What if Greg becomes ruler of California and leads them in seceding?! Will he make everyone in his kingdom wear hats like his?

Dear Diary: Do you think all the sun in California will make Greg grow even taller?

Dear Diary: What if moon men choose now to attack when we're not there to protect Greg? Or him to protect us? We're doomed, Diary!!!!

Dear Diary: Can Greg surf?

Dear Diary: If Greg can surf, does he still wear his hat?

Dear Diary: Does Greg's hat give him extra buoyancy? 

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is friends with Redwood trees? Can he speak to them?

Dear Diary: Is Greg perhaps a descendant of the Redwood trees? Is that why he's so tall?

Dear Diary: If Greg met a bear, do you think the bear would play dead?

Dear Diary: Does the tide turn because of Greg's magnetism?

Dear Diary: Will Greg's presence on the west coast cause weather patterns to change in Japan?

Dear Diary: you think Greg will ride a dolphin?

Dear Diary: ...Should I draw a picture of what I think that would look like?

Dear Diary: ...Should we use said picture as our cardboard standup?

Dear Diary: ...I think we're geniuses.

Dear Diary: I think I'm going to miss Greg while he's away...

Dear Diary: What if another hostess becomes his best friend? :(

Dear Diary: Greg would never do that... Would he? Oh Diary, now I'm distressed...

Dear Diary: I went to go look at Greg while he was prepping sausage. He didn't look up. I think things are changing between us, Diary! I don't know what to do!!

Dear Diary: ...have... have I already lost him?

Dear Diary: Haha, that's preposterous! I got that love potion from a bonafide Creole Voodoo lady! There's no way it wouldn't have worked! How silly of me, Diary!

Dear Diary: If only Greg knew how many swamp rats had to die for that potion...

Dear Diary: I can't believe I got all worried for nothing! Oh witches' brew, you bring such peace of mind.

Dear Diary: What did women do before witches and voodoo? I certainly don't know, but it must have sucked.

Dear Diary: I noticed no marmoset when Greg has his hat off today. Do you think it ran away, Diary?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is going to California because that's where the marmoset went?

Dear Diary: Could this trip to California just be an epic quest for their Man-Mini-monkey friendship?