Monday, October 22, 2012

I've MOVED!!!! :D

Don't deny it. We all saw this coming.

As you all know, Blogger tried to break up with me about week ago, and then when I began to look at other options, Blogger got all "Wait. That was a total mistake! Please don't go!"

Well, too bad, Blogger! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice... I saw how you played me, and it sounds like I'm not the first, either!

I thought I knew you, Blogger... I thought I knew you...

Anyway, I officially bought a domain for the blog, and there's a ton of new stuff over there!

So please, go to and start following me there! It's got a beautiful new design and a whole lot of other new stuff!!!

I'm super freaking excited about this.

Thanks for all your support!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Blogger Tried to Break Up With Me!

So, as many of you know, my blog was deleted yesterday. 

Apparently, the Blogger Team thinks that I'm a total spammer. 

Let me walk you through this....

Yesterday, I tried to purchase my domain through Blogger. I was really excited about taking this step and really being able to have full control of my blog. So, there I was, going through the steps in purchasing my domain, la de da de da.... I click "next" and suddenly I get this message: "We found an existing order for this domain. Please contact support."

Yeah, dillholes, it's my order that you found. Who else is buying the domain name for Awkwardly Alive and Pleasantly Peculiar?? Are you... are you cheating on me Blogger? Are you selling my domain name to other people???? 

So I tried all of these tricks and stuff to make Blogger realize that I'm the only one who wants to own that domain name. After nothing was working, and we were both just getting frustrated with one another, I went with the age old approach of walking away for  a little bit and coming back later.

Side note: Did any of you know that Blogger has no customer service via telephone? They just have forums that anyone (or in my case NO ONE) can answer. 

So I went back to my laptop an hour later, and as I logged in to Blogger, this message popped up telling me that I needed to verify my account because they believed it had been tampered with. 


So I go through that. I finally get logged in and AWKWARDLY ALIVE AND PLEASANTLY PECULIAR WAS GONE!!!! I was freaking out. It's like Blogger changed the locks after having given me a key to their apartment. 

I checked my email and found this message: 
Hello, Your blog at has been reviewed and confirmed as in violation of our Terms of Service for: SPAM. In accordance to these terms, we've removed the blog and the URL is no longer accessible. For more information, please review the following resources: Blogger Terms of Service: Blogger Content Policy: -The Blogger Team

Seriously? You think I'm a freaking spammer, Blogger? Don't you know me but at all?? Are you mad that I was trying to buy my domain from you? It's not like I was going to leave you, Blogger, I just wanted a little more control over my stuff! This is a very immature way to react, you know... 

So, I start going through the process of getting my blog restored (while freaking out via Twitter, obviously). I mean, I didn't necessarily want to get back together with Blogger at this point, but I still wanted my stuff, dammit. 

At this point, my good friend over at The Life I Live So You Don't Have To tweeted me and told me that she had been experiencing similar issues when she was with Blogger... So, that's when I started looking at my other options... and some of them seemed pretty nice. 

I also started collecting all of my old posts and saving them to my computer in Word documents so that I could repost them if I did end up leaving Blogger for another host... 

I think that's when Blogger started to panic, but I was too busy at work to deal with it. John Hamm and I went out for a beer when I got out of work and then Dragon, who felt really bad, invited me over to his place for dinner (frozen pizza) and a movie (Cabin In The Woods) to cheer me up. All of those things were very nice and I began to feel a bit better. 

The movie ended, and after having ignored my computer and Blogger for a few hours, I decided to check my email...

Hello, We have received your appeal regarding your blog Upon further review we have determined that your blog was mistakenly marked as a TOS violator by our automated system and, as such, we have reinstated your blog. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused in the meantime and thank you for your patience as we completed our review process. Thank you for understanding. Sincerely, The Blogger Team

Well, Blogger, thank you for returning to me so quickly. I really appreciate it. I'm still not sure I liked that side of you though... I'm going to need time to think.

Don't worry, readers. If I do end up leaving Blogger, you'll know where I go. I would never leave you without notice! 

On a totally separate note, thank you to everyone who clicked on the ads this week. All the money that I get from this blog this week is going to my boss for his foundation to fight against Triple Negative Breast Cancer! I'll be writing the check on Sunday, October 21st, so feel free to keep clicking until then! 

Monday, October 15, 2012

An Evening for the Boobies - and I Met a Clown!

I work a few jobs, one of them being a hostess at a wine bar and restaurant. The owners of this restaurant started a foundation a few years back when they lost a dear friend to Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I didn't really know anything about this form of Breast Cancer, but I found out that it's one of the forms that has no cure and it's one of the hardest to fight. 

To raise money for research, we hosted the first of two dinner parties last night, titled A Night 4 Pink. There's a ton of information here. The evening was full of wine, food, music, and laughter - and at $125 a plate, you know that all of those things were incredible! There was even a woman there doing temporary pink ribbon tattoos for donations! It was awesome! And then to top that off, I freaking found out that this woman was a PROFESSIONAL CLOWN. My night was made. Her clown name is Gumball and you can find her here! 

Can I just say that a clown who fights cancer might be the most badass woman ever? That's like the coolest superhero ever. Graphic novels need to be made. 

Anyway, we're doing the same thing again next week on October 21st from 5-8PM and if you can make a contribution or even make an appearance, we'd love to have you! In fact, if you can't make it, just click on any of the ads on my blog. The ads are how I make a meager amount of money by blogging, but I only make money if you click on them - so every penny I make between today and October 21st, I will donate to Night 4 Pink! Deal? Awesome. 

Thanks to Gumball for the super awesome tattoo! 

Here's to our boobies, ladies! Keep 'em strong!!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My Dog Ate a Candle - I Can't Make This Up, People.

Last night, I got out of work and went home to pick up my dog and laundry before heading over to my parents' house for the week. John Hamm was going to meet me there for a wine and movie night, so I was in kind of a hurry. 

Now, normally, I come home and find Gio snoozing on my bed. Occasionally, though, I'll find a ripped up Taco Bell bag that I forgot to throw away or, for some weird reason, a destroyed pair of my own underwear. 

I never expected to find a candle chewed to bits all over my bed sheets.

That's when John Hamm texted me: Stop and go traffic at

Me: My dog ate a candle and puked it up on my bed.

That's right, readers. It wasn't just a chewed up candle. It was a chewed up and then puked up candle - all over my bed sheets. Why is that always the scene of the crime?!? More importantly, WHAT THE HECK DRIVES A DOG TO EAT A CANDLE?!?!

I did my best to clean it all up in a hurry, shaking the bed sheet out in my yard and then tossing it into the washing machine for me to deal with when I returned a week later. 

I loaded Gio (who, by the way, was wagging his tail and looking happier than ever) into my car and called my vet friend Gumby while I was driving.

Gumby: Hello?

Me: Can my dog die from eating a candle?

Gumby: Can your dog... wait - say that again?

Me: Can my dog die from eating a candle?

Gumby: Oh, Gio.... *sigh* I think he should be fine... I mean... He ate a candle?

Me: Well, he ate it and puked it back up all over my bed. Stop laughing.

Gumby: Sorry. Um, yeah, I think he should be okay. Just keep and eye on him and make sure he drinks water. Oh, Gio...

Me: I know! Then again, I've had nothing to write about for two days now - it seems like every time I have writer's block, my dog does something retarded. 

Gumby: See? He's just trying to help!

So, the good news is, my dog is doing just fine now. The bad news is that I probably have to get rid of most of my candles... and I freaking love candles. 

This is a photo from another night, but I felt that it was appropriate. John Hamm's sister took this, and I love it.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hi! I’m John Hamm, and This Is Not My Blog

John Hamm just sent me this letter to pass on to all of you, which is great because I was just telling another blogger that I can't find anything to write about today. So... thanks, John Hamm! You got me out of that one! Whew!

Without further ado, I present John Hamm:

Hi! I’m John Hamm, and This Is Not My Blog

Greetings, valued readers! I’m John Hamm, and you may know me from other posts here, such as the “Dear Diary: Greg” series, “There Must Be Something in the Water,” and of course, “John Hamm is a Freaking Badass and Will Probably Have to Kill You.” I’m writing this completely unsolicited post to help clear up a misconception that has been making the rounds. While I am one of the most frequent (and, dare I say, hottest) recurring characters on this blog and there may be a large number of you who tune in just to see who my face will be Photoshopped onto next, this is not actually my blog.

This may seem obvious to a lot of people. But here’s a frequent conversation that I have:

Random Acquaintance: Are you going to go write in your blog about this?

Me: Huh?

Random Acquaintance: You know, with all the stuff about the guy in the hat?

Me: Oh. That’s not my blog.

Random Acquaintance: (stares at me).

Me: Seriously, I don’t write most of that stuff. Like, anything more than 140 characters I had nothing to do with.

Random Acquaintance: Whatever.

This happens to Lemon a lot, too. I guess us redheaded nerd girls all look the same to some people.

So, in light of this confusion, I’ve made a short, handy list of questions that you can use in order to tell that this isn’t my blog.

  1. Is it longer than 140 characters? If it is, I probably didn’t write it. I don’t have a great attention span for this kind of thing. In the time it’s taken me to write this post so far, I’ve gotten up to chase my housemate’s cat three times now.
  2. Is this blog updated regularly with content that clearly isn’t half-assed? I actually do have a blog. I haven’t posted to it in over six months now. Or is it closer to a year? Whatever. My point is that I’m lazy when it comes to this kind of thing and I’m very easily distracted by things like video games and reflective objects.
  3. Is the writing littered with foul language? I’ve had to consciously stop myself from excessively swearing in this post. It’s one of my all-time favorite things to do.
  4. Is the writing littered with commas? As in, are you stopping in the middle of reading and thinking, “Damn, girl, it’s not like if you don’t use them you lose them.” If not, there’s a good chance I didn’t write it. You also have probably never thought that about commas, because you’re a sane human being.
  5. Is this blog trying to sound like Kurt Vonnegut, Oscar Wilde, and J.D. Salinger all wrapped up together in a go-getting Jane Austen style package, yet coming up considerably short? Again, if not, then it’s probably not me.

So there you have it. I’m sure this list will settle many a bar room debate, so I’d keep it close at hand just in case. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah, and I seriously didn’t paint Gio’s toenail, so you can stop with all the accusing looks.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Someone Broke Into My Home and Gave My Dog a Pedicure.

Okay, what the hell is going on?

Last night, I came home and saw what I thought was blood on my bed sheets.

Naturally, I freaked out, and started checking my dog. I found what I thought was dried blood on his toe and around his nail, but it was hard to get a good look, seeing as how he hates having his feet touched.

See it? Right there, on the toenail. 

Upon further inspection I found that none of this was blood. It was my purple nail polish.

How the hell did this happen???

John Hamm had been in my apartment that day, so I texted her:

Me: ...did you paint my dog's toenail?

John Hamm: No...Why?

Me: Someone did... Are you lying to me? You were the only one there! And I most certainly did not paint his toenail...

John Hamm: I'm not! I really didn't!

Me: What the f--k. Who the hell broke into my house and painted my dog's toenail?!?

John Hamm: I have no idea. That's weird.

Me: I'M AFRAID!!!!

So then I called Dragon, thinking that maybe he had done it a few days ago and I was possibly just really slow on the uptake...

Me: Did you paint my dog's toenail??

Dragon: ...what?

Me: Someone painted Gio's toenail!!

Dragon: How do you know?

Me: Because he has purple nail polish on his toenail!!

Dragon: How did he get the nail polish?

Me: I highly doubt he painted his own freaking toenail, Dragon. Someone else did it and John Hamm swears it wasn't her.

Dragon: ...I don't understand.

Me: Someone broke into my house and painted my dog's toenail! This is like that one season of Dexter when the serial killer sends the hand with different colored fingernails to the police as a sign. I'm going to get murdered!

Dragon: I did not paint your dog's toenail.

When I went back home to do some investigation, I found that the nail polish bottle was missing. At this point, I started to wonder if maybe Gio had just chewed the cap of my nail polish, causing it to leak... but then why can't I find it? And how is it only on his toenail???

Did you paint my dog's toenail? Are you sending me some sort of murderous message?

I am so not sleeping tonight.

Friday, October 5, 2012

The Formerly Unreleased Dear Diary: Greg's

So, recently John Hamm and I got together and did a spin-off post of "Dear Diary: Greg" about our friend Apollo

How were we supposed to know that Greg would get so upset and jealous?!?

It was like another dog peed on his fire hydrant.

He threatened to end our friendship! 

It was terrifying, Diary....

So, Lemon, John Hamm, and I got together and decided to post some of the unreleased "Dear Diary: Greg" entries to prove our love and devotion. After all, Greg... Apollo was just a one time thing. You're still the main man in our Diary.

So, these are the entries that preceded Greg's vacation a few weeks ago when we gave life to the twitter account for the Diary.

Dear Diary: Greg isn't wearing his hat!!!!! I almost didn't recognize him! What is happening?!?!?!?!

Dear Diary: Total emergency!! Greg is going out of town for two weeks, and he leaves in four days! I...I'm not prepared, Diary...

Dear Diary: What will Greg do without us for two weeks?!

Dear Diary: Is it too late to make a cardboard Greg standup?

Dear Diary: If I gave Greg a picture of me, do you think he would keep it under his hat as a token for his safe return?!

Dear Diary: What if Greg comes back with a different hat? Will I even recognize him? What does that say about him that he'd just replace his hat?

Dear Diary: Will California change Greg? Will he come back with dreadlocks and a bongo drum? What will I do, Diary?

Dear Diary: How expensive is a plane ticket to California? Do you think Greg would mind if I followed him? Even if it's in his best interests?

Dear Diary: What if Greg gets elected governor of California? Stranger things have happened, Diary!!

Dear Diary: Do you think that Greg will dine with Ex-Governator Schwarzenegger? Will my dream come true????

Dear Diary: What if Greg just conquers California by accident? How awkward! 

Dear Diary: What if Greg becomes ruler of California and leads them in seceding?! Will he make everyone in his kingdom wear hats like his?

Dear Diary: Do you think all the sun in California will make Greg grow even taller?

Dear Diary: What if moon men choose now to attack when we're not there to protect Greg? Or him to protect us? We're doomed, Diary!!!!

Dear Diary: Can Greg surf?

Dear Diary: If Greg can surf, does he still wear his hat?

Dear Diary: Does Greg's hat give him extra buoyancy? 

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is friends with Redwood trees? Can he speak to them?

Dear Diary: Is Greg perhaps a descendant of the Redwood trees? Is that why he's so tall?

Dear Diary: If Greg met a bear, do you think the bear would play dead?

Dear Diary: Does the tide turn because of Greg's magnetism?

Dear Diary: Will Greg's presence on the west coast cause weather patterns to change in Japan?

Dear Diary: you think Greg will ride a dolphin?

Dear Diary: ...Should I draw a picture of what I think that would look like?

Dear Diary: ...Should we use said picture as our cardboard standup?

Dear Diary: ...I think we're geniuses.

Dear Diary: I think I'm going to miss Greg while he's away...

Dear Diary: What if another hostess becomes his best friend? :(

Dear Diary: Greg would never do that... Would he? Oh Diary, now I'm distressed...

Dear Diary: I went to go look at Greg while he was prepping sausage. He didn't look up. I think things are changing between us, Diary! I don't know what to do!!

Dear Diary: ...have... have I already lost him?

Dear Diary: Haha, that's preposterous! I got that love potion from a bonafide Creole Voodoo lady! There's no way it wouldn't have worked! How silly of me, Diary!

Dear Diary: If only Greg knew how many swamp rats had to die for that potion...

Dear Diary: I can't believe I got all worried for nothing! Oh witches' brew, you bring such peace of mind.

Dear Diary: What did women do before witches and voodoo? I certainly don't know, but it must have sucked.

Dear Diary: I noticed no marmoset when Greg has his hat off today. Do you think it ran away, Diary?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is going to California because that's where the marmoset went?

Dear Diary: Could this trip to California just be an epic quest for their Man-Mini-monkey friendship?

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I Win at Shopping

Last night, Dragon and I were shopping at a huge corporate chain that I normally hate supporting, but due to the time of night and my meager finances, I didn't have a choice. 

Shopping with Dragon is always an ordeal. We don't fight, necessarily, but I become a small child in stores. 

Allow me to explain... This was our conversation last night at 10:30 in the store:

Me: OOooooo... look at this!

Dragon: Emelie, please don't wander off and make me have to search for you.

Me: Why are you holding my hand?

Dragon: So that you don't wander off.

Me: Oh, not because you love me?

Dragon: *sigh...*

Me: Will you buy some dinner that I can eat, too? (I'm a vegetarian. Dragon is not. Shopping together is also difficult for this reason.)

Dragon: Sure, but why?

Me: I have no money.

Dragon: ...Why don't you have any money?

Me: Because rent was due on Monday and I don't get paid until Friday, so I opted to buy food for Gio instead of myself.

Dragon: ...

Me: ...

And then I saw it.

Me: *GASP!* Oh my gosh! I love it!

Dragon: Sucks that you don't have any money.

Me: It's only two dollars!

Dragon: And you have no dollars.

Me: Well, I have two dollars....

Dragon: Emelie, no. You don't need that.

Me: But, Dragon... It's a freaking Elmo Sandwich Case!! All of my sandwiches would be filled with love and freshness!

Dragon: No.

Me: Fine... Can I come back on Friday after I get paid and buy it?

Dragon: Even though you're an adult with your own car, I'm still going to say no. Maybe this is what you need: someone telling you "yes" or "no" like a parent for the rest of your life.

Me: Noooo......

So we continued serpentining through the aisles, getting "necessities" like food and stuff, but I couldn't get my mind off of that Elmo Sandwich Case. I needed it. It would motivate me to make sandwiches...

So I wandered off...quietly and quickly. 

Dragon: Goddammit.

I returned to my loving boyfriend with a triumphant grin on my face, carrying the soon-to-be-mine sandwich case. Dragon rolled his eyes and sighed with frustration. 

And that is how I won that battle. Now I just need to buy some bread, bananas, and peanut butter. 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

John Hamm is a Freaking Badass and Will Probably Have to Kill You.

So, John Hamm is going through the process of becoming a Foreign Service Officer.

She just took her exam this week and she was super nervous about it. It's just the first step in the process, and she won't get her results for weeks, but I'm still super proud of John Hamm for even being badass enough to have the balls to do this stuff.

The following is the conversation we had the morning of her exam via text:


John Hamm: Haha, thanks! I don't know how this is going to go at all...

Me: Awesomely because of your awesomeness. Duh.

John Hamm: Blerg.

Me: I BELIEVE IN YOU!! What time is it at? And I'm assuming drinks are happening no matter what tonight, right?

John Hamm: It's at 2, and I don't know, I didn't really have anything planned...

Me: Well now you do! :) We will drink for your glory tonight!!

John Hamm: We'll see...Sorry, I'm just a little frazzled, I'll be able to plan better after this test is done.

Me: No worries. I know you're stressed. Good luck today and don't sweat it too much. At the end of the day, you still kick ass.

John Hamm: Fanks! It's just day-of jitters, I'll be fine. Also, the implications of what happens if I pass are hitting me.

Me: :) That's good, though, right?

John Hamm: Well, yeah, but at the same time it is a job where the possibility of being seriously injured or killed isn't totally outlandish. I've never signed up for anything like that before.

Me: Whoa. I did not realize that.

John Hamm: The chances that I'd get stationed somewhere like Libya or Egypt or anything are really slim, but depending on the political climate in any given country... And the election could change everything with that. Not to mention that the track I chose requires a hardship post...

Me: That's insane!! But it would totally make you more of a badass... I'm just gonna focus on that. You really will be Black Widow*..

John Hamm: You know I won't be killing people, right?

Me: You never know...

John Hamm: Sigh... I suppose you're right. Guess I better start assempling alter egos now, huh? ...Unfortunately, this does mean that I have to kill you since you know who I really am... OR DO YOU?!?

Me: D:

So there you have it. You all know her threats and if I mysteriously go missing, send them after John Hamm. She is already the prime suspect when it comes to my death - and let's be honest, there's no way I'm going out in some plain old fashion, like rabies** or cholera. It only makes sense that I'd die because my best friend became an assassin and buried me alive with sewer rats just to shut me up.

*John Hamm is planning on dressing up as Black Widow for Halloween.
**I totally had to google "is rabies deadly?"

A photo I had made of John Hamm in her future career:

Now you all know who to look for when I die. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

If You Give a Dragon a Kitty

So, if you follow my twitter account, you know that I took Dragon to get a kitten yesterday.

Holy adorable, Batman. This might have been the cutest thing a girlfriend could have ever witnessed. 

And then I realized the severity of my actions...

Allow me to explain... Via my own very short and very awful version of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie".

Seriously, it's terrible. Like, I need to take a moment to apologize to Laura Numeroff for destroying her classic with this awful imitation. 

But it has really cute pictures of a kitten, so I know you'll look at it anyway. 

If You Give a Dragon a Kitty
by Emelie Samuelson

If you give a dragon a kitty...

 ...of course they'll love each other right away,

because who doesn't love a kitty, eh?

Kitty will whisper in Dragon's ear...

and at home, kitty will wonder why you're still here!

Or maybe kitty just wants to play?

Or it just wants better view of Dragon's videogames...

And then they'll snuggle and watch a movie

Because compared to girlfriends, kitties are way more groovy.

The end.

And that is the story of how I may have lost my boyfriend to a cat. A really freaking cute cat that I can't get enough of.

Updates are sure to come - with less disrespect towards children's authors.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Diary:.... APOLLO?!?!?!

You've all met Apollo, right? He doesn't get Harry Potter, but he gets me Harry Potter things? Yeah, that guy.

So recently, he tried to tell me that he was adventurous. I did two things: First, I laughed so hard I cried, and then I proceeded to relay this information to our two friends John Hamm and Kelloggs. 

Needless to say, we had a field day. 

Maybe there are a few things I should make clear about Apollo: He's 23, has a real job, and has never done a darn thing without some serious planning, budgeting, and cost-benefit analysis. In other words, he is nowhere near adventurous. 

However, we didn't want to hurt his feelings, so we decided to treat him like the badass he is. 

That's when John Hamm and I got beer, pizza, and pulled out our "Diary".

P.S. Sorry, Lemon, we'll get you next time. 

Dear Diary: I'm worried about Apollo. He has a steady job and insists on going to bed at a reasonable hour. Should I be reading up on the implications of thrill seeking behavior?

Dear Diary: I think things are getting worse. All of his shirts are collared button ups. How can I turn him away from this dangerous path, Diary?

Dear Diary: I'm thinking of having an intervention for Apollo. Is it possible to get his friends and family together to talk to him about the dangers of financial stability at age 23? 

Dear Diary: Apollo has been adhering to his auditor contract and not making friends at work. Should I be worried that he's too rebellious against social norms, Diary?

Dear Diary: This is getting to be too much. How can I get through to him when he's falling asleep at 9:30 to an episode of Two and a Half Men? He's going to get himself killed, Diary!!!

Dear Diary: It's official: He's too much of a thrill seeker. He's re-watching BSG for the 17th time this year and eating takeout alone. 

Dear Diary: He's reading books. I feel so helpless to stop this downward spiral.

Dear Diary: Apollo is too crazy for me. He had one beer at the bar the other night, then left saying he had an early morning. Too much to handle! 

Dear Diary: Apollo is really starting to scare me. He hasn't texted me all day, and then he told me it was because he was at work... What the heck does that mean, Diary?!?

Dear Diary: Do you think that Apollo is lashing out against his white-bread middle class upbringing? 

Dear Diary: I saw Apollo pet a Golden Retriever the other day, and then told the owner that he can't wait to get one once he has a family with old enough children to be responsible enough to care for it. He's so unpredictable and spontaneous, Diary!!! 

Dear Diary: Is khaki a new gang fad? I'm worried, Diary....

Dear Diary: Apollo was telling us stories once about when he was an RA and used to bust 20-year-olds for drinking. He's so crazy, Diary...

Dear Diary: Apollo knows all the words to "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye. Obviously, his partying is getting out of control, Diary. 

Dear Diary: I just found a childhood photo of Apollo wearing a Cosby sweater! He was clearly a trouble from the start, Diary.

Dear Diary: Just found evidence of Apollo's listening to country music - that's the stuff that leads to the unholiest of sins, Diary!! 

Dear Diary: I saw that Apollo has circular accent mirrors in his apartment. Do you think that's a sign to other junkies of what drugs he does?

Dear Diary: Apollo just told me I should watch Downton Abbey. Oh, THE HORRORS, DIARY!!!!!

Dear Diary: Maybe I should have seen all of this coming when he revealed his lack of Potter knowledge a few weeks ago? I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I'm so ashamed I didn't figure this out before it was too late, Diary... 

Apollo, please don't kill us! Also, there's your very first view of John Hamm, readers! 

Monday, September 24, 2012

My Gift from Apollo Finally Arrived!!

So, as you know, this world is an unjust one.

For example, my friend Apollo went to Harry Potter World a few weeks ago and I didn't, which I wrote about here.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that Apollo told me that he had gotten me a gift while he was there. (This slightly redeemed my aforementioned view of the world).

Well, readers, I know you were as excited as I was! The anticipation has been killing us all.

And good news... The other night, Apollo finally came home for the weekend...

And here it is! My present!!:

Yeah, I know. I be rocking all the latest fall Hogwarts fashions. Look for me in this months Quibbler fashion article!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Screw You, I'll Be the Town Animal Control!!

So, the other night I was having dinner with my friend and co-worker, "Kelloggs". He did not pick this name, but it was given to him due to the fact that he is a giant flake. Get it? I know, it's a pretty bad pun, but it was just so perfect... Anyway, Kelloggs and I were having dinner at this local Mexican place that we like in our home town (where we also work together at an indie book shop).

We had just said our good byes when I started heading to my car and out of nowhere, this Weimeraner jogs by. Since nobody else was around, I started following it. I called Kelloggs and told him to come help me.

Me: A dog just ran by!

Kelloggs: ...okay...

Me: Come help me!!

Kelloggs: Ugh... fine....

So Kelloggs met up with me and we chased the dog around the downtown shopping area for a while.

Let me take a moment to describe this town. It is Suburbia to the max. The downtown shopping area is this adorable little main street section of shops with areas to sit on the grass and chat or get ice cream, but then it's also got this newer portion with a bunch of brand name shops, like Ann Taylor or White House Black Market. In other words, it's full of places I can't afford to shop.

Anyway, so Kelloggs and I are following this dog.

Me: Thanks for helping me! Dragon hates when I do this.

Kelloggs: Yeah. I also hate when you do this.

We finally catch up with the pup behind a restaurant, where she was snacking on scraps around their dumpster. I saw that she had a collar on, but no tags, unfortunately. So, I called the non-emergency line at the police station.

Me: Hi! I found a dog wandering around downtown. She has an electric fence collar on, but no tags. I think she must have just wandered off.

Policeperson: Okay... Well, we haven't had any calls about a missing dog.

Me: Okay, well... I'm down by the library now, so how long should I wait?

Policeperson: Well, do you live in the area?

Me: Um... Yes.

Policeperson: Are you able to take it home?

Me: Uh... maybe? I don't know, I have a dog at home, and I don't know how this dog is with other dogs. Isn't there anything you can do?

Policeperson: Well, we don't have any animal control or anything, so there's nothing I can do for you... So, you can either take it home or let it go and find its own way back.

Me: What?? Um... okay, well, obviously I'm not going to just let it go. Can I leave you with my name and number and if the owner calls in, you can just have them call me?

Policeperson: Of course.

So, I give her my information and hang up the phone.

How the hell does this town not have animal control? You should know, reader, that this town has like fifty dog hotels and shops and adorable little boutiques to buy homemade organic dog treats, but NO FREAKING ANIMAL CONTROL?? Is that even possible??

That's when I decided that I would become the town animal control officer. Operating at random hours as I walk around town. Maybe I'd even get a mask...

So, I immediately called my mom to see if we could keep the dog in her garage, but she didn't seem very fond of the idea... So I decided that I would grab some rope from my car and and let the dog lead me to her home. Kelloggs decided that he would leave me to it at this point. It was late at night and he needed to get home. So... the dog and I went walking.

Side note: Before anyone starts thinking that Kelloggs is a jerk for letting a girl wander around alone at night, you can calm down. A) I had a dog. B) This is suburbia. C) He came back two minutes later when it started to rain a bit.

When we got to an intersection, I realized that this might have been a mistake. This dog seriously just stood there staring in all possible directions. So, I called my vet friend (by "vet friend", I mean that he is working on getting into vet school), "Gumby" (he really does bear a striking resemblance) who lives two hours away to ask what he thought I should do.

Me: Hi... so I found a dog.

Gumby: Where?

Me: In downtown Suburbia.

Gumby: Okay... go on?

Me: Well, she was wandering around and when I found her, she didn't have any tags, so I called the cops, who told me that we don't have freaking animal control - can you believe that??

Gumby: What? Are you serious??

Me: I know! So I said "Screw you! I'll be the town animal control!!" So I made a leash out of some rope and I thought she might lead me to her home, but now I'm just wandering the streets of Suburbia, with no idea of where she's taking me...

Gumby: Oh my god... Let me call my mom and see if you can bring the dog over there.

You see, Gumby's parents live in Suburbia too, and they basically have a farm, so this was essentially perfect!

So, next thing I know, I'm putting this dog in my car and driving her up the street to Gumby's mom and dad's house. When we were there we fed her some rice and chicken broth and gave her some water - and I was finally able to take a picture that I could put up on facebook:

I think this kennel makes the whole thing look much sadder than it really was...

And that was when I got a phone call from her owners. Thankfully they were right around the corner and came to pick her up. When they got there, they gave me a bottle of wine and thanked me and Gumby's mom and dad immensely. 

And that is how I rescued a dog and the world was made right again - except for the fact that there is still no animal control in Suburbia. I will be writing a letter.

The end.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Ladies, Watch BSG - You'll Be Pleased.

I will admit. I never wanted to start watching Battlestar Galactica. I was convinced that it was one of the nerdiest shows ever. John Hamm rolled her eyes every time I made fun of her for watching it, insisting that I just didn't understand. 

Then I sat and watched the first two episodes.

I'm fracking hooked. Not to mention, there are some hotties on this show! 

Allow me to introduce two beautiful men.

Jamie Bamber, who plays Apollo on BSG

Michael Trucco, who plays Anders

The following is a texting conversation I had about these two men with John Hamm. Before I begin, however, I need to emphasize that the "Apollo" in this conversation is not the "Apollo" that I've posted about in the past. This is the guy the latter wishes he could be. 

Me: Whoa! New hottie in the cast. Anders. Mmmmm....

John Hamm: I know, right?

Me: Also, I'd like to jump Apollo's bones. Right now.

John Hamm: If you had to choose, would you pick Anders or Apollo?

Me: Apollo.

John Hamm: Dat's fair.

Me: What about you?

John Hamm: Apollo. Anders is a CLOSE second though. Picture [Apollo] in a suit. It's just game over.

Me: Yeah. Then again, the guy could probably pull off a tutu.

John Hamm: I hereby shamelessly admit that I would still bang Jamie Bamber if he were wearing a tutu and leg warmers. ... Which, I suppose would mean that he'd be dressed almost like Jim Carry in Ace Ventura.

Me: Hahahahahahahaha - A-FRACKING-MEN.

See, friends? Nerdy girls talk about sex and stuff too... 

Also, a side note - When searching for pictures of Jamie Bamber, I found out he is actually British. So his hot points just doubled. 

You're welcome.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Brief Yet Glorious Life of @DearDiaryGreg on Twitter

So, Greg recently went on a two week vacation. Naturally, Lemon, John Hamm and I were all very distraught about what the heck we would do while he was gone. Who would we obsess over? How could we write about Greg in our Diary if we couldn't see him every day? 

Well, we didn't want Greg to feel like he was only loved/creeped on when he was around. Out of sight, out of mind? Heavens, no!! So we thought we would surprise him by starting a Twitter account for Dear Diary: Greg. We thought this was a great idea! Until Greg came home... 

Anyway, here are the tweets from the brief yet glorious life of @DearDiaryGreg...

Dear Diary: Greg's on vacation, but we're on Twitter. He'll be so surprised, Diary!!

Dear Diary: How many hats do you think Greg packed for vacation?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg found the hidden chocolates I packed in his suitcase yet?? They were custom made to look like his hat, Diary!

Dear Diary: Do you think California will change its state bird to Greg's hat?

Dear Diary: What if Greg buys a new hat while he's in California? Do you think it will change him?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg will get fresh ink in Cali? If so, do you think it will be of him riding a dolphin?

Dear Diary: I really hope Greg does ride a dolphin.

Dear Diary: What if Greg loses his hat in Cali while surfing?? Think of the lucky gust of wind/wave/dolphin that would catch it, Diary...

Dear Diary: Do you think that no one believes how great Greg is because it's only published in tabloids and fansites?

Dear Diary: Imagine if Greg's hat could talk. I wonder what stories Greg's hat would tell, Diary...

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg told people he was going to Cali to cover up that he was visiting Curiosity on Mars! What does it mean?

Dear Diary: Whick California-based celebrities will ask for Greg's autograph?

Dear Diary: Does Greg's hat enable him to travel through space? What about time?

Dear Diary: Will Greg establish First Contact?? That would be awesome, Diary. He'd probably get a statue...

Dear Diary: I'm jealous of the hat. I wish I could hug Greg's head all day... #10ThingsIMustDoBeforeIDie

Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's hat dreams about?

Dear Diary: What if Greg is actually a Martian and his hat and tattoos are the only things that allow him to maintain human form?!

Dear Diary: What if Greg's a Cylon and doesn't know it?!?

Dear Diary: What if Greg's a Cylon and he DOES know it?!?!?!?

Dear Diary: I dreamed that Greg grew a second head & the heads fought over which got to wear the hat. Then they sang karaoke. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: Greg's been in California for over 24 hours now, how has he not won an Emmy yet?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is best friends with the Beach Boys by now?

Dear Diary: None of the Republican candidates speak to the issues that concern me. It's like Greg's height doesn't affect policy or something...

Dear Diary: I dreamed that Greg was the last American farmer, but it was because he was a combine. What does it mean, Diary?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has become the star of a new TV show in Hollywood? We'll get a cut since we made him famous... right, Diary?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is to California as Gulliver is to Lilliput?

Dear Diary: I'm finding myself troubled by thoughts of Greg finding new weird redheaded admirers. Am I paranoid, Diary? #Keepsmeupatnight

Dear Diary: Dreamed Greg trained sea lions at Sea World... It was awesome. The sea lions wore matching Greg hats! Could this happen for real?

Dear Diary: I haven't gotten a postcard from Greg yet. Should I be worried?

Dear Diary: Do you think  Greg's hat got a caricature of itself while in Cali?

Dear Diary: Greg is back!!! Best day ever!!!! :D

Dear Diary: Greg just told us to shut down the Twitter account. He seemed kind of mad... Worst day ever... :(

Don't worry - now you can follow this blog on Twitter! @AwkwardlyAlive 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Auditors Do Not Make Good Harry Potter Fans.

One of my oldest friends, who for the purposes of this blog has requested to be referred to as "Apollo" (specifically from Battlestar Galactica, not the god), was texting me last week from his business trip in Florida.

That information alone sets the tone for this post.

Apollo and I have always known that we're a little nerdy - him more so than I, but nevertheless, we've been nerds together on and off since the sixth grade.

Let me just get right to it. Apollo has a grown up job. This means he doesn't work part-time in a bookshop, while also working three nights a week as a hostess at a restaurant, and then trying to make some sort of money by writing on the internet. No, Apollo is a field auditor for a big company, which results in him getting to go on business trips. Most recently he was sent to Florida and I don't know about the rest of the world, but I was under the impression that business trips were for business and business alone.

Apollo texted me from FREAKING HARRY POTTER WORLD.

The following is our conversation:

Apollo: Why isn't Hermione in Ravenclaw?!?!? This has been bothering me!!

Me: She could have been in either, but she chose Gryffindor. Same reason why Harry wasn't in Slytherin.

Apollo: Wtf is this with choices?!? Not everyone got a choice!

Me: Yes they do! It's what is in your heart! Harry chose not to be evil! The sorting hat tells Harry this in Dumbledore's office. Book 2, dude. Come on.

This continued on for quite a while. A frightening amount of time, actually. I would like to take this moment to remind everyone that we are grown adults and that Apollo was spending his auditing business trip at HARRY FREAKING POTTER WORLD.

After this, we moved on to talking about Battlestar Galactica. I would write about that conversation here, but there are way too many spoilers and I would hate myself for ruining any portion of BSG for anyone.

A few days later, Apollo texted me again...

Apollo: Totally got you a gift. AND IT WAS A LOT OF MONEY SO I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE IT!!!! But for some reason I feel like you already possess this item...

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! When do I get it??? And I probably don't have it. I don't have many things. Especially not expensive things.

Apollo: When I come home, whore!


Apollo: Don't build it up too much. It's not a wand. That had a two hour line to get a custom one.

Me: Haha, you wouldn't be able to get mine anyway. The wand chooses the witch or wizard, so I'd have to be present. Duh.

Apollo: F--k me, how could I forget? I'm dumb.

Me: You don't even deserve to have entered HPW.

Apollo: But I did. And you didn't. Jealous much?!? ;D

Me: We're done here. .... But I still want my present.

I guess my point here is that no matter how old I get, I'm always going to love Harry Potter. Is that my point? Maybe I don't really know what my point is. Maybe my point is that there is always someone who gets to go where they don't deserve to. For example, of the two of us, I'm pretty sure that I'm the more devoted Harry Potter fan, but I'm stuck at home - and Apollo was supposed to be auditing! I'm pretty sure he wasn't counting anyone's knuts and galleons over there!

I sure hope Heaven doesn't operate on these terms or I'm gonna be pissed.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

There Must Be Something in the Water

Okay, so the strangest thing just happened to me and I need to share it with all of you.

My dog peed himself today.

Let me explain... Every Monday Gio and I meet my friend "Jane" and her dog/direwolf Eli at the dog park near my apartment. This dog park is nothing short of awesome; it used to be a beach for humans with a swimming pond in it, but then the water was deemed "too dirty for humans to swim in" so they built a huge fence around the beach, making it clean enough for dogs to swim in. I'm not quite sure how clean this water is now that dogs have taken over, but I've decided its best not to ask "is this still even safe for my dog?" until something seriously goes wrong. Not to mention, I saw some bubbles rising towards the middle, so that means that they have one of those "keeps the water clean by circulation" things, right?

So anyway, Gio and Eli were playing chase and other dog games in the water, biting at all the splashes they were making and such. Jane, John Hamm (who had come to join us), and I just stood back and watched, laughing at our ridiculous K-9's. It was great! After about an hour or so, we all packed up, hosed down our pups, and headed out. John Hamm and I decided to get lunch and bring it back to my place. 

Let me say here that I live about a five minute drive from the dog park and that Gio had plenty of time to pee before getting in the car. I even walked him around outside of the park to let him do so before loading him up into my Jeep! I suddenly knew what it was like to be a parent who has to ask her children "Do you need to go potty before we go? ... Are you sure? ... Why don't you go anyway, just to be safe."

But no. He apparently was just fine. 

Anyway... John Hamm and I picked up some Panera and brought it home, where I let Gio run around the yard for a bit. He went to the bathroom and I thought everything was fine, obviously. So John Hamm and I ate lunch while Gio laid himself down against the wall by the table and started to fall asleep. The poor guy was all tuckered out from his big morning of play time! It was actually kind of cute. 

Once we had finished our food, we just sat at the table, drinking our coffee and chatting. Gio was still snoozing away. At a pause in our conversation, we heard this faint trickle... John Hamm looked over at Gio and exclaimed in a voice which can only be described as the excited yell of a four-year-old girl, "HE'S PEEING!!!!" 

Yes. My dog wet the bed. Thankfully, "the bed" in this case was the hardwood floor and not my actual bed, but dog wet the bed. I ran over to him, and saw that he was laying there, eyes open, and just leaking urine. It was as if Gio had lost all care in the world. I'm guessing that he dreamed he was an old man in a nursing home with a catheter (which I just wikipediad to double check that I was spelling that correctly and you'd be amazed at all of the uses for a catheter!). That's the only explanation, right?? I'm not even sure if he knows what an old man, a nursing home, or a catheter is, but still. He must have been having some sort of crazy "I don't need to move to pee" dream. 

Either way, it gets even weirder: In case you missed it, I mentioned earlier, that HIS EYES WERE OPEN. He was just gazing up at me from the floor while he continued to pee. He didn't even seem to register that this was wrong until I finally snapped to and said "What are you doing?!?" Then Gio scrambled to his feet and I ushered him outside where it cannot be exaggerated that my dog peed a crystal clear stream of fluid for three and a half minutes. I stood there with him the entire time, him peeing and just staring up at me, this time with a look of absolute shame. John Hamm laughing in the doorway, repeating that she "couldn't believe that just freaking happened" whenever she could catch her breath. 

When Gio was finally finished, I brought him back inside where I meant to yell at him for peeing all over my kitchen floor, but when we walked back in, he looked over at his mess and back at me. His ears were flat and his normally curled tail was draped down between his legs. He side-stepped his way around the kitchen, head down, and just stared with such embarrassment and sadness that I knew in my heart that this dog had endured enough punishment by shame already. I mean, the poor guy had just peed himself... and John Hamm was never going to let it go.

I don't know what the heck that dog drank from that pond. Not that I'm starting to question it's safety or anything.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I Cannot Cook Without Supervision: Why You Should Worry About Me Living Alone

My dog, Giovanni (he does not require a pseudonym as he is a dog, so yes, that is his real name) and I went over to my parents' house a few weeks back, just to hang out and allow him to play with their two golden retrievers for a bit. It was nice for a while, but my parents have jobs or whatever and couldn't just hang out, so I got bored after a while. And hungry. I started to boil some water to make some pasta for lunch while I watched some TV, but then I decided that I'd rather go downtown with Giovanni, who was getting restless, and get some coffee or something. So, I called my best friend, John Hamm, and asked her (Yes. She chose the male pseudonym "John Hamm" because, let's face it: it's funnier that way.) if she wanted to meet me before she went in to work at the restaurant. Of course, she agreed, because John Hamm loves me. (Yeah, I'll be having fun with that name.)

So, Giovanni and I started our pleasant fifteen minute walk from my parents house to the downtown shopping area. It was perfect: the sun was out and the birds were chirping, people avoided eye contact with me whenever Gio stopped to go to the bathroom... a perfect day!

So when John Hamm showed up, Gio and I were already settled at a nice table outside. John Hamm put down her purse and started digging through it for her wallet. 

John Hamm: I'm gonna go grab some coffee. Want anything?

Me: Nope, just some water for Gio would be nice. Thanks! 

John Hamm: Okie dokie.

John Hamm returned a few minutes later with some coffee and a scone.

John Hamm: Want a bite? 

Me: No, I'm good. I started to make some lunch at home, but decided not t--HOLY SHIT I LEFT THE STOVE ON AT HOME!!!!! (Did you notice, reader, how I never mentioned turning the stove off earlier? If so, congratulations for your close reading!)

John Hamm stared at me, her mouth full of scone, while an anonymous woman sitting at the table behind me started laughing. I did my best to ignore her and convince myself that she was probably reading and extremely humorous book - or my blog.

John Hamm: Are you freaking serious?

Me: Yes! Crap! Can I borrow your keys?

John Hamm: Wait - you walked all the way here?? 

Me: Yes!!! Keys, please!

John Hamm: Oh my God... please don't crash my car. I'll watch Gio.

While I raced home and took turns far too quickly in John Hamm's car, I kept muttering to myself "Please don't let my mom have come home... please don't let my mom have come home..." I probably should have been muttering something more like "Please don't let the house have burned down...", but obviously that is not the nature of my true colors. A lot of self reflection has come from this experience. Trust me. 

I flew into the driveway (seriously, John Hamm's Toyota Corolla might have caught some air) and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that the house was still standing, the air around it smoke-free, and, most importantly, my mother's car was not in the driveway. I sprinted inside, found both golden retrievers staring dumbly at me and a pot of evaporated water sitting over flames on the stove. 

As my blood pressure began to lower, I ran the pot under some cold water and tried to ignore how dumb I was (without success). I hugged and kissed the dogs, and then left my parents house to return to my coffee date with John Hamm and Giovanni. 

John Hamm: How's the house? Still standing?

Me: Yes! It's fine. There was only water in the pot in the first place, so nothing could catch on fire and the pot was easy to clean. Also, your car is fine.

I smiled at her. John Hamm shook her head at me and drank her coffee without another word. 

At that very moment my mother sent me a text: Are you still at home? I'm on my way back for lunch. 

Thank God for good timing... and my new favorite applicance after my coffee maker: the microwave.