Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Diary:.... APOLLO?!?!?!

You've all met Apollo, right? He doesn't get Harry Potter, but he gets me Harry Potter things? Yeah, that guy.

So recently, he tried to tell me that he was adventurous. I did two things: First, I laughed so hard I cried, and then I proceeded to relay this information to our two friends John Hamm and Kelloggs. 

Needless to say, we had a field day. 

Maybe there are a few things I should make clear about Apollo: He's 23, has a real job, and has never done a darn thing without some serious planning, budgeting, and cost-benefit analysis. In other words, he is nowhere near adventurous. 

However, we didn't want to hurt his feelings, so we decided to treat him like the badass he is. 

That's when John Hamm and I got beer, pizza, and pulled out our "Diary".

P.S. Sorry, Lemon, we'll get you next time. 

Dear Diary: I'm worried about Apollo. He has a steady job and insists on going to bed at a reasonable hour. Should I be reading up on the implications of thrill seeking behavior?

Dear Diary: I think things are getting worse. All of his shirts are collared button ups. How can I turn him away from this dangerous path, Diary?

Dear Diary: I'm thinking of having an intervention for Apollo. Is it possible to get his friends and family together to talk to him about the dangers of financial stability at age 23? 

Dear Diary: Apollo has been adhering to his auditor contract and not making friends at work. Should I be worried that he's too rebellious against social norms, Diary?

Dear Diary: This is getting to be too much. How can I get through to him when he's falling asleep at 9:30 to an episode of Two and a Half Men? He's going to get himself killed, Diary!!!

Dear Diary: It's official: He's too much of a thrill seeker. He's re-watching BSG for the 17th time this year and eating takeout alone. 

Dear Diary: He's reading books. I feel so helpless to stop this downward spiral.

Dear Diary: Apollo is too crazy for me. He had one beer at the bar the other night, then left saying he had an early morning. Too much to handle! 

Dear Diary: Apollo is really starting to scare me. He hasn't texted me all day, and then he told me it was because he was at work... What the heck does that mean, Diary?!?

Dear Diary: Do you think that Apollo is lashing out against his white-bread middle class upbringing? 

Dear Diary: I saw Apollo pet a Golden Retriever the other day, and then told the owner that he can't wait to get one once he has a family with old enough children to be responsible enough to care for it. He's so unpredictable and spontaneous, Diary!!! 

Dear Diary: Is khaki a new gang fad? I'm worried, Diary....

Dear Diary: Apollo was telling us stories once about when he was an RA and used to bust 20-year-olds for drinking. He's so crazy, Diary...

Dear Diary: Apollo knows all the words to "Somebody I Used to Know" by Gotye. Obviously, his partying is getting out of control, Diary. 

Dear Diary: I just found a childhood photo of Apollo wearing a Cosby sweater! He was clearly a trouble from the start, Diary.

Dear Diary: Just found evidence of Apollo's listening to country music - that's the stuff that leads to the unholiest of sins, Diary!! 

Dear Diary: I saw that Apollo has circular accent mirrors in his apartment. Do you think that's a sign to other junkies of what drugs he does?

Dear Diary: Apollo just told me I should watch Downton Abbey. Oh, THE HORRORS, DIARY!!!!!

Dear Diary: Maybe I should have seen all of this coming when he revealed his lack of Potter knowledge a few weeks ago? I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I'm so ashamed I didn't figure this out before it was too late, Diary... 

Apollo, please don't kill us! Also, there's your very first view of John Hamm, readers! 

Monday, September 24, 2012

My Gift from Apollo Finally Arrived!!

So, as you know, this world is an unjust one.

For example, my friend Apollo went to Harry Potter World a few weeks ago and I didn't, which I wrote about here.

The reason I'm bringing this up is that Apollo told me that he had gotten me a gift while he was there. (This slightly redeemed my aforementioned view of the world).

Well, readers, I know you were as excited as I was! The anticipation has been killing us all.

And good news... The other night, Apollo finally came home for the weekend...

And here it is! My present!!:

Yeah, I know. I be rocking all the latest fall Hogwarts fashions. Look for me in this months Quibbler fashion article!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Screw You, I'll Be the Town Animal Control!!

So, the other night I was having dinner with my friend and co-worker, "Kelloggs". He did not pick this name, but it was given to him due to the fact that he is a giant flake. Get it? I know, it's a pretty bad pun, but it was just so perfect... Anyway, Kelloggs and I were having dinner at this local Mexican place that we like in our home town (where we also work together at an indie book shop).

We had just said our good byes when I started heading to my car and out of nowhere, this Weimeraner jogs by. Since nobody else was around, I started following it. I called Kelloggs and told him to come help me.

Me: A dog just ran by!

Kelloggs: ...okay...

Me: Come help me!!

Kelloggs: Ugh... fine....

So Kelloggs met up with me and we chased the dog around the downtown shopping area for a while.

Let me take a moment to describe this town. It is Suburbia to the max. The downtown shopping area is this adorable little main street section of shops with areas to sit on the grass and chat or get ice cream, but then it's also got this newer portion with a bunch of brand name shops, like Ann Taylor or White House Black Market. In other words, it's full of places I can't afford to shop.

Anyway, so Kelloggs and I are following this dog.

Me: Thanks for helping me! Dragon hates when I do this.

Kelloggs: Yeah. I also hate when you do this.

We finally catch up with the pup behind a restaurant, where she was snacking on scraps around their dumpster. I saw that she had a collar on, but no tags, unfortunately. So, I called the non-emergency line at the police station.

Me: Hi! I found a dog wandering around downtown. She has an electric fence collar on, but no tags. I think she must have just wandered off.

Policeperson: Okay... Well, we haven't had any calls about a missing dog.

Me: Okay, well... I'm down by the library now, so how long should I wait?

Policeperson: Well, do you live in the area?

Me: Um... Yes.

Policeperson: Are you able to take it home?

Me: Uh... maybe? I don't know, I have a dog at home, and I don't know how this dog is with other dogs. Isn't there anything you can do?

Policeperson: Well, we don't have any animal control or anything, so there's nothing I can do for you... So, you can either take it home or let it go and find its own way back.

Me: What?? Um... okay, well, obviously I'm not going to just let it go. Can I leave you with my name and number and if the owner calls in, you can just have them call me?

Policeperson: Of course.

So, I give her my information and hang up the phone.

How the hell does this town not have animal control? You should know, reader, that this town has like fifty dog hotels and shops and adorable little boutiques to buy homemade organic dog treats, but NO FREAKING ANIMAL CONTROL?? Is that even possible??

That's when I decided that I would become the town animal control officer. Operating at random hours as I walk around town. Maybe I'd even get a mask...

So, I immediately called my mom to see if we could keep the dog in her garage, but she didn't seem very fond of the idea... So I decided that I would grab some rope from my car and and let the dog lead me to her home. Kelloggs decided that he would leave me to it at this point. It was late at night and he needed to get home. So... the dog and I went walking.

Side note: Before anyone starts thinking that Kelloggs is a jerk for letting a girl wander around alone at night, you can calm down. A) I had a dog. B) This is suburbia. C) He came back two minutes later when it started to rain a bit.

When we got to an intersection, I realized that this might have been a mistake. This dog seriously just stood there staring in all possible directions. So, I called my vet friend (by "vet friend", I mean that he is working on getting into vet school), "Gumby" (he really does bear a striking resemblance) who lives two hours away to ask what he thought I should do.

Me: Hi... so I found a dog.

Gumby: Where?

Me: In downtown Suburbia.

Gumby: Okay... go on?

Me: Well, she was wandering around and when I found her, she didn't have any tags, so I called the cops, who told me that we don't have freaking animal control - can you believe that??

Gumby: What? Are you serious??

Me: I know! So I said "Screw you! I'll be the town animal control!!" So I made a leash out of some rope and I thought she might lead me to her home, but now I'm just wandering the streets of Suburbia, with no idea of where she's taking me...

Gumby: Oh my god... Let me call my mom and see if you can bring the dog over there.

You see, Gumby's parents live in Suburbia too, and they basically have a farm, so this was essentially perfect!

So, next thing I know, I'm putting this dog in my car and driving her up the street to Gumby's mom and dad's house. When we were there we fed her some rice and chicken broth and gave her some water - and I was finally able to take a picture that I could put up on facebook:

I think this kennel makes the whole thing look much sadder than it really was...

And that was when I got a phone call from her owners. Thankfully they were right around the corner and came to pick her up. When they got there, they gave me a bottle of wine and thanked me and Gumby's mom and dad immensely. 

And that is how I rescued a dog and the world was made right again - except for the fact that there is still no animal control in Suburbia. I will be writing a letter.

The end.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Ladies, Watch BSG - You'll Be Pleased.

I will admit. I never wanted to start watching Battlestar Galactica. I was convinced that it was one of the nerdiest shows ever. John Hamm rolled her eyes every time I made fun of her for watching it, insisting that I just didn't understand. 

Then I sat and watched the first two episodes.

I'm fracking hooked. Not to mention, there are some hotties on this show! 

Allow me to introduce two beautiful men.

Jamie Bamber, who plays Apollo on BSG

Michael Trucco, who plays Anders

The following is a texting conversation I had about these two men with John Hamm. Before I begin, however, I need to emphasize that the "Apollo" in this conversation is not the "Apollo" that I've posted about in the past. This is the guy the latter wishes he could be. 

Me: Whoa! New hottie in the cast. Anders. Mmmmm....

John Hamm: I know, right?

Me: Also, I'd like to jump Apollo's bones. Right now.

John Hamm: If you had to choose, would you pick Anders or Apollo?

Me: Apollo.

John Hamm: Dat's fair.

Me: What about you?

John Hamm: Apollo. Anders is a CLOSE second though. Picture [Apollo] in a suit. It's just game over.

Me: Yeah. Then again, the guy could probably pull off a tutu.

John Hamm: I hereby shamelessly admit that I would still bang Jamie Bamber if he were wearing a tutu and leg warmers. ... Which, I suppose would mean that he'd be dressed almost like Jim Carry in Ace Ventura.

Me: Hahahahahahahaha - A-FRACKING-MEN.

See, friends? Nerdy girls talk about sex and stuff too... 

Also, a side note - When searching for pictures of Jamie Bamber, I found out he is actually British. So his hot points just doubled. 

You're welcome.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Brief Yet Glorious Life of @DearDiaryGreg on Twitter

So, Greg recently went on a two week vacation. Naturally, Lemon, John Hamm and I were all very distraught about what the heck we would do while he was gone. Who would we obsess over? How could we write about Greg in our Diary if we couldn't see him every day? 

Well, we didn't want Greg to feel like he was only loved/creeped on when he was around. Out of sight, out of mind? Heavens, no!! So we thought we would surprise him by starting a Twitter account for Dear Diary: Greg. We thought this was a great idea! Until Greg came home... 

Anyway, here are the tweets from the brief yet glorious life of @DearDiaryGreg...

Dear Diary: Greg's on vacation, but we're on Twitter. He'll be so surprised, Diary!!

Dear Diary: How many hats do you think Greg packed for vacation?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg found the hidden chocolates I packed in his suitcase yet?? They were custom made to look like his hat, Diary!

Dear Diary: Do you think California will change its state bird to Greg's hat?

Dear Diary: What if Greg buys a new hat while he's in California? Do you think it will change him?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg will get fresh ink in Cali? If so, do you think it will be of him riding a dolphin?

Dear Diary: I really hope Greg does ride a dolphin.

Dear Diary: What if Greg loses his hat in Cali while surfing?? Think of the lucky gust of wind/wave/dolphin that would catch it, Diary...

Dear Diary: Do you think that no one believes how great Greg is because it's only published in tabloids and fansites?

Dear Diary: Imagine if Greg's hat could talk. I wonder what stories Greg's hat would tell, Diary...

Dear Diary: I had a dream that Greg told people he was going to Cali to cover up that he was visiting Curiosity on Mars! What does it mean?

Dear Diary: Whick California-based celebrities will ask for Greg's autograph?

Dear Diary: Does Greg's hat enable him to travel through space? What about time?

Dear Diary: Will Greg establish First Contact?? That would be awesome, Diary. He'd probably get a statue...

Dear Diary: I'm jealous of the hat. I wish I could hug Greg's head all day... #10ThingsIMustDoBeforeIDie

Dear Diary: What do you think Greg's hat dreams about?

Dear Diary: What if Greg is actually a Martian and his hat and tattoos are the only things that allow him to maintain human form?!

Dear Diary: What if Greg's a Cylon and doesn't know it?!?

Dear Diary: What if Greg's a Cylon and he DOES know it?!?!?!?

Dear Diary: I dreamed that Greg grew a second head & the heads fought over which got to wear the hat. Then they sang karaoke. What does it mean?

Dear Diary: Greg's been in California for over 24 hours now, how has he not won an Emmy yet?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is best friends with the Beach Boys by now?

Dear Diary: None of the Republican candidates speak to the issues that concern me. It's like Greg's height doesn't affect policy or something...

Dear Diary: I dreamed that Greg was the last American farmer, but it was because he was a combine. What does it mean, Diary?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg has become the star of a new TV show in Hollywood? We'll get a cut since we made him famous... right, Diary?

Dear Diary: Do you think Greg is to California as Gulliver is to Lilliput?

Dear Diary: I'm finding myself troubled by thoughts of Greg finding new weird redheaded admirers. Am I paranoid, Diary? #Keepsmeupatnight

Dear Diary: Dreamed Greg trained sea lions at Sea World... It was awesome. The sea lions wore matching Greg hats! Could this happen for real?

Dear Diary: I haven't gotten a postcard from Greg yet. Should I be worried?

Dear Diary: Do you think  Greg's hat got a caricature of itself while in Cali?

Dear Diary: Greg is back!!! Best day ever!!!! :D

Dear Diary: Greg just told us to shut down the Twitter account. He seemed kind of mad... Worst day ever... :(

Don't worry - now you can follow this blog on Twitter! @AwkwardlyAlive 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Auditors Do Not Make Good Harry Potter Fans.

One of my oldest friends, who for the purposes of this blog has requested to be referred to as "Apollo" (specifically from Battlestar Galactica, not the god), was texting me last week from his business trip in Florida.

That information alone sets the tone for this post.

Apollo and I have always known that we're a little nerdy - him more so than I, but nevertheless, we've been nerds together on and off since the sixth grade.

Let me just get right to it. Apollo has a grown up job. This means he doesn't work part-time in a bookshop, while also working three nights a week as a hostess at a restaurant, and then trying to make some sort of money by writing on the internet. No, Apollo is a field auditor for a big company, which results in him getting to go on business trips. Most recently he was sent to Florida and I don't know about the rest of the world, but I was under the impression that business trips were for business and business alone.

Apollo texted me from FREAKING HARRY POTTER WORLD.

The following is our conversation:

Apollo: Why isn't Hermione in Ravenclaw?!?!? This has been bothering me!!

Me: She could have been in either, but she chose Gryffindor. Same reason why Harry wasn't in Slytherin.

Apollo: Wtf is this with choices?!? Not everyone got a choice!

Me: Yes they do! It's what is in your heart! Harry chose not to be evil! The sorting hat tells Harry this in Dumbledore's office. Book 2, dude. Come on.

This continued on for quite a while. A frightening amount of time, actually. I would like to take this moment to remind everyone that we are grown adults and that Apollo was spending his auditing business trip at HARRY FREAKING POTTER WORLD.

After this, we moved on to talking about Battlestar Galactica. I would write about that conversation here, but there are way too many spoilers and I would hate myself for ruining any portion of BSG for anyone.

A few days later, Apollo texted me again...

Apollo: Totally got you a gift. AND IT WAS A LOT OF MONEY SO I HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE IT!!!! But for some reason I feel like you already possess this item...

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! When do I get it??? And I probably don't have it. I don't have many things. Especially not expensive things.

Apollo: When I come home, whore!


Apollo: Don't build it up too much. It's not a wand. That had a two hour line to get a custom one.

Me: Haha, you wouldn't be able to get mine anyway. The wand chooses the witch or wizard, so I'd have to be present. Duh.

Apollo: F--k me, how could I forget? I'm dumb.

Me: You don't even deserve to have entered HPW.

Apollo: But I did. And you didn't. Jealous much?!? ;D

Me: We're done here. .... But I still want my present.

I guess my point here is that no matter how old I get, I'm always going to love Harry Potter. Is that my point? Maybe I don't really know what my point is. Maybe my point is that there is always someone who gets to go where they don't deserve to. For example, of the two of us, I'm pretty sure that I'm the more devoted Harry Potter fan, but I'm stuck at home - and Apollo was supposed to be auditing! I'm pretty sure he wasn't counting anyone's knuts and galleons over there!

I sure hope Heaven doesn't operate on these terms or I'm gonna be pissed.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

There Must Be Something in the Water

Okay, so the strangest thing just happened to me and I need to share it with all of you.

My dog peed himself today.

Let me explain... Every Monday Gio and I meet my friend "Jane" and her dog/direwolf Eli at the dog park near my apartment. This dog park is nothing short of awesome; it used to be a beach for humans with a swimming pond in it, but then the water was deemed "too dirty for humans to swim in" so they built a huge fence around the beach, making it clean enough for dogs to swim in. I'm not quite sure how clean this water is now that dogs have taken over, but I've decided its best not to ask "is this still even safe for my dog?" until something seriously goes wrong. Not to mention, I saw some bubbles rising towards the middle, so that means that they have one of those "keeps the water clean by circulation" things, right?

So anyway, Gio and Eli were playing chase and other dog games in the water, biting at all the splashes they were making and such. Jane, John Hamm (who had come to join us), and I just stood back and watched, laughing at our ridiculous K-9's. It was great! After about an hour or so, we all packed up, hosed down our pups, and headed out. John Hamm and I decided to get lunch and bring it back to my place. 

Let me say here that I live about a five minute drive from the dog park and that Gio had plenty of time to pee before getting in the car. I even walked him around outside of the park to let him do so before loading him up into my Jeep! I suddenly knew what it was like to be a parent who has to ask her children "Do you need to go potty before we go? ... Are you sure? ... Why don't you go anyway, just to be safe."

But no. He apparently was just fine. 

Anyway... John Hamm and I picked up some Panera and brought it home, where I let Gio run around the yard for a bit. He went to the bathroom and I thought everything was fine, obviously. So John Hamm and I ate lunch while Gio laid himself down against the wall by the table and started to fall asleep. The poor guy was all tuckered out from his big morning of play time! It was actually kind of cute. 

Once we had finished our food, we just sat at the table, drinking our coffee and chatting. Gio was still snoozing away. At a pause in our conversation, we heard this faint trickle... John Hamm looked over at Gio and exclaimed in a voice which can only be described as the excited yell of a four-year-old girl, "HE'S PEEING!!!!" 

Yes. My dog wet the bed. Thankfully, "the bed" in this case was the hardwood floor and not my actual bed, but dog wet the bed. I ran over to him, and saw that he was laying there, eyes open, and just leaking urine. It was as if Gio had lost all care in the world. I'm guessing that he dreamed he was an old man in a nursing home with a catheter (which I just wikipediad to double check that I was spelling that correctly and you'd be amazed at all of the uses for a catheter!). That's the only explanation, right?? I'm not even sure if he knows what an old man, a nursing home, or a catheter is, but still. He must have been having some sort of crazy "I don't need to move to pee" dream. 

Either way, it gets even weirder: In case you missed it, I mentioned earlier, that HIS EYES WERE OPEN. He was just gazing up at me from the floor while he continued to pee. He didn't even seem to register that this was wrong until I finally snapped to and said "What are you doing?!?" Then Gio scrambled to his feet and I ushered him outside where it cannot be exaggerated that my dog peed a crystal clear stream of fluid for three and a half minutes. I stood there with him the entire time, him peeing and just staring up at me, this time with a look of absolute shame. John Hamm laughing in the doorway, repeating that she "couldn't believe that just freaking happened" whenever she could catch her breath. 

When Gio was finally finished, I brought him back inside where I meant to yell at him for peeing all over my kitchen floor, but when we walked back in, he looked over at his mess and back at me. His ears were flat and his normally curled tail was draped down between his legs. He side-stepped his way around the kitchen, head down, and just stared with such embarrassment and sadness that I knew in my heart that this dog had endured enough punishment by shame already. I mean, the poor guy had just peed himself... and John Hamm was never going to let it go.

I don't know what the heck that dog drank from that pond. Not that I'm starting to question it's safety or anything.