Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hi! I’m John Hamm, and This Is Not My Blog

John Hamm just sent me this letter to pass on to all of you, which is great because I was just telling another blogger that I can't find anything to write about today. So... thanks, John Hamm! You got me out of that one! Whew!

Without further ado, I present John Hamm:

Hi! I’m John Hamm, and This Is Not My Blog

Greetings, valued readers! I’m John Hamm, and you may know me from other posts here, such as the “Dear Diary: Greg” series, “There Must Be Something in the Water,” and of course, “John Hamm is a Freaking Badass and Will Probably Have to Kill You.” I’m writing this completely unsolicited post to help clear up a misconception that has been making the rounds. While I am one of the most frequent (and, dare I say, hottest) recurring characters on this blog and there may be a large number of you who tune in just to see who my face will be Photoshopped onto next, this is not actually my blog.

This may seem obvious to a lot of people. But here’s a frequent conversation that I have:

Random Acquaintance: Are you going to go write in your blog about this?

Me: Huh?

Random Acquaintance: You know, with all the stuff about the guy in the hat?

Me: Oh. That’s not my blog.

Random Acquaintance: (stares at me).

Me: Seriously, I don’t write most of that stuff. Like, anything more than 140 characters I had nothing to do with.

Random Acquaintance: Whatever.

This happens to Lemon a lot, too. I guess us redheaded nerd girls all look the same to some people.

So, in light of this confusion, I’ve made a short, handy list of questions that you can use in order to tell that this isn’t my blog.

  1. Is it longer than 140 characters? If it is, I probably didn’t write it. I don’t have a great attention span for this kind of thing. In the time it’s taken me to write this post so far, I’ve gotten up to chase my housemate’s cat three times now.
  2. Is this blog updated regularly with content that clearly isn’t half-assed? I actually do have a blog. I haven’t posted to it in over six months now. Or is it closer to a year? Whatever. My point is that I’m lazy when it comes to this kind of thing and I’m very easily distracted by things like video games and reflective objects.
  3. Is the writing littered with foul language? I’ve had to consciously stop myself from excessively swearing in this post. It’s one of my all-time favorite things to do.
  4. Is the writing littered with commas? As in, are you stopping in the middle of reading and thinking, “Damn, girl, it’s not like if you don’t use them you lose them.” If not, there’s a good chance I didn’t write it. You also have probably never thought that about commas, because you’re a sane human being.
  5. Is this blog trying to sound like Kurt Vonnegut, Oscar Wilde, and J.D. Salinger all wrapped up together in a go-getting Jane Austen style package, yet coming up considerably short? Again, if not, then it’s probably not me.

So there you have it. I’m sure this list will settle many a bar room debate, so I’d keep it close at hand just in case. You’re welcome.

Oh yeah, and I seriously didn’t paint Gio’s toenail, so you can stop with all the accusing looks.

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